That Must Have Happened While I Was Away

It's been a week, and I'm still all, "Wow, you can put toilet paper in the toilet and flush it? And it works? Whoa," which I probably have another few days of, and then I'll just be one of those really affected annoying traveler types who, when a waiter gets ready to fill her glass with water, says "None for me!" and then, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was just in India, and, as you may or may not know, you cannot drink the tap water in India. Would you like to hear about the time I was in India and I got a naked massage?"

So I'm slowly adjusting to all the People-worthy news that I missed while away, and Chris Eigeman is on Gilmore Girls, which is like double coupon day for me. And my KC homegirl Sarah opened a shoe store in DC, Sassanova, which is going to be the Best Store Ever, because I named it (oh, and because Sarah has fantastic taste and maybe will outfit Condi Rice in some pink pointy-toed shoes). And Ryan Adams has snared Parker Posey, which is a coup for him, no doubt, but Parker, I love you, so I say this as a friend: When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone else he's ever slept with. Ergo, you are sleeping with Winona Ryder. And that is just plain grody.

Another chapter of my future bestseller, Ways To Turn Women Off From You Totally and Completely Forever will likely be about email etiquette. "I'm drunk. You should call me." does not an alluring email make. Take it from me.